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Chess Online

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happinessisawarmgun 12 ( +1 | -1 )
Joke. So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
ckytep 0 ( +1 | -1 )
.. :D
sugarandspice 5 ( +1 | -1 )
Fallen off chair in shock.... A joke? A joke in the forums?...Brilliant, great to see :-D
sugarandspice 43 ( +1 | -1 )
Another... Ok, I'm sure you've heard this one, but anyway:

A group of chess players checks into a hotel at Christmas time. They're all standing in the lobby telling each other about their tournament victories. After some time, the manager comes out from behind the desk and asks them to leave. "Why?" they ask as they move off.
"Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
ccmcacollister 24 ( +1 | -1 )
Say That's nice! There ARE Chess Jokes! Who could've known ... and much better than Accountant Jokes too! .... [8O)......(please meet new member of the family, "Bubba Smiley". Long Lost brother of "Blockhead Smiley"...[8-D....and "Very Happy Smiley"....{8-).
shadowbane0117 33 ( +1 | -1 )
Aaaaaaaaleluia! Oh my gosh!!! Everyone get in bunkers!! Hide the children! Bolt the doors! It's the apocalipse! it's... It's... a joke in the forums!!!!! I can't believe what i'm seeing! this is the first time i've ever seen any resemblence of a joke in the forum. meet a member of my family: 8^P It's Mr. Raspberry! maybe we should trace his blood lines to see if he's of any relation to Bubba Smiley?
commodore 19 ( +1 | -1 )
:))) Ya'll would have loved the old social forums, sniff sob sob. I am not a funny man by nature so I have no jokes to tell but Mr. bane over shadows anything I might muster, good show.
shadowbane0117 17 ( +1 | -1 )
commodore thanks. thats the funniest chess joke i've ever heard. i just showed my dad and he almost had a heart attack from laughing so hard. thnx a lot happinessisawarmgun.
shadowbane0117 6 ( +1 | -1 )
and i almost forgot: 0^) Cyclopse! beat that ccmcacollister
bluebabygirl 56 ( +1 | -1 )
Chess jokes?? OK, I GOT ONE.-
A man and his friend meet at the chess club and decide to play a round of chess.
The man has a little dog with him and in the first game,when the man mates with a devastatingly brilliant combination,the little dog yips loudly and stand on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed and impressed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you make a blunder??" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend," That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmmm", says the man. " Actually that'll depend on just how hard I kick him."-BBG
bluebabygirl 33 ( +1 | -1 )
ok another OK I HAVE ANOTHER.
A man goes to his friend's house and finds him playing chess with his dog.
The man watches in amazement as they both playing brilliant combinations .
After the game is concluded . The man says to his friend," That has to be the smartest dog in the entire world!" " Don't you think so??"
" No way ,"replied the friend, " I beat him 3 out 5 !" "And I only learned chess 2 weeks ago!!"
bluebabygirl 31 ( +1 | -1 )
my last one really!! Ship goes down and the only survivors in the lifeboat are ,
1.A humble grandmaster,
2.Easter Bunny, 3.Santa
and
4.the most hated Egotistical grandmaster.
There is only enough food and water for
one person!

Who survives to be rescued??

The answer is quite simple.
Number 4 because ,
the others are imaginary characters!!
sly_lonewolf 8 ( +1 | -1 )
great jokes! ..Thanks everyone! hahaha...i really loved the one about the man & his dog! :O
Now, everybody say "cheezzz!" :)
ckytep 193 ( +1 | -1 )
This is the best chess joke I know: Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting.
A second will say he thinks the light is fine.
A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him.
An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936.
The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives.
Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes.
Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting.
Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began.
The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting.
The world champion (15) is elected chairman.
The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA.
The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL).
The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting.
Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think.
The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting.
His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
tyrin 25 ( +1 | -1 )
what about in a library. a man go in a and ask about the most briliant games of garry kasparov
on the third floor in the sports part is the answer
after few minutes the man come back and ask about garys blunders
ohhh you have to on the second floor in the fantastick part
ccmcacollister 73 ( +1 | -1 )
Have you heard the one about.... Do you know how many Chess Deleters does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
I hope yoou doo, cuz you'll never hear it here. The deleters are arriving and could not stand the Fun I guess, because they've hit this thread now.
.....Which just about does it for me. Since they wish to exercise their 'right to delete'; from now on I shall exercise my voting rights to VOTE every thread I view as Topical/To Stay Where it IS; and perhaps to seek & bring 40 or 50 like minded friends along to Vote as well?! If anyone else is tired of it ?
SO I've cast my Vote here, Since I HAD TO so we can keep our few little Funny Jokes. Free our Chess talk !!
.....Thanks all for the Jollies I got to enjoy here ... till now.
sugarandspice 43 ( +1 | -1 )
Ooh ooh oooh Ok, so this isnt strictly speaking a joke, but still...it's funny
An excerpt from Fraiser:

Niles won't play chess because it reminds him of how he played it with Maris.

Frasier: I can see why she likes the game - "the king is stationary, the queen has all the power".

:-D....well I think it's funny anyway.

ccmcacollister I'm as crestfallen as you and have also cast my vote of support
bluebabygirl 18 ( +1 | -1 )
OK I logged on long enough to vote to keep this thread.
MY devotion is fantastic as by doing so I have delayed by shopping at the mall by at least 5 minutes!!! Later friends--BBG
ketchuplover 2 ( +1 | -1 )
I'm losing my mind.
bluebabygirl 35 ( +1 | -1 )
ccma I agree with you one hundred percent. While some may honestly vote to delete certain threads ,I feel that possibly others may be up to mischief, seeking to cause a disturbance. If such is true then I feel sorry for those individuals.
My thought is -What possible harm could anybody see in these few chess jokes??-BBG

mate_you_in_fifty 26 ( +1 | -1 )
hehehe I found an old GK thread related to this too.

gameknot.com/fmsg/chess/2627.shtml

My favourite is the one where the guy comes home and is nagged by his wife.
happinessisawarmgun 8 ( +1 | -1 )
more..... "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Emo Philips.
happinessisawarmgun 8 ( +1 | -1 )
........ "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
Woody Allen
ccmcacollister 74 ( +1 | -1 )
Addressed to a number of you Thx Mateyouinfifty I got to read the thread there. I really liked a number. And especially (Pujotero-?! memory glich here by me). "My wife says if I play Chess tomorrow she will take the kids and leave me! Friend, "So what will you Do!"
"e4, as always!"......

Twas a failed zwifenzug for sure, there.

I'm a little sad. In this thread above, I suggested I might get 40 or 50 friends to prop up the Forums.(tho obviously may have 10 or 12 online) But no one challenged me one it. So did not get to use the punchline to Where will I get so many friends.
"I'll hire them, or course!" .

Shadowbane... Cyclops Smiley is unbeatable I believe. My The Angel Smiley and Wolverine Smiley had to be put-down. :(

BBG ..Sorry bout the shopping! Hope you didn't run-out of anything there!! 8-)

Thx to everyone who supportes this injoyable thread !
Craig

ccmcacollister 10 ( +1 | -1 )
PS...that Joke thread before... Saddens me it was started be none other than DivineSunCat. Hope he is back posting soon.